i got no secret purpose, i don’t seem obvious do i

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

in the past three weeks, i have picked up more trash than i can possibly explain. and i've picked it all up in the marine sanctuary, where the dumping of trash is forbidden. the problem is that people dump their trash into the ocean and with the way the winds/currents are now, it all gets washed straight into the sanctuary.

and the trash situation isn't just bad in the sanctuary – it's bad everywhere. all along all the beaches, along the roads, in people's gardens, absolutely everywhere.

it's something i just don't understand; how can people be content to live among their own trash? most (if not all, to my knowledge) cultures separate themselves from their trash – have a dump or trash pit of some sort – but that doesn't seem to exist here. so many times i have bit my tongue when on boats i watch people throw their plastic sachets out into the water, and it is just killing me. no one seems to recognize that it is a problem or to be concerned or disgusted by it. not only is it ugly, it is detrimental to their health and to their livelihood since it kills coral/fish.

a lot of the trash in the sanctuary, because of the way the winds are right now, is from long beach. i mentioned this to wilma (she is the barangay captain) and "oh no, it's from carmen" and then if you mention it to someone from carmen (where certainly some of the trash is from) then the reply is "oh no, it's from long beach" or sugod, or romblon or anywhere but where that person is from. this is a constant problem. no one accepts responsibility for any of the problems. we say over and over again that it is everyone's fault and everyone's responsibility. this is not just in regards to the rubbish; it applies to everything. fault is not the issue here – people just need to accept that they have some hand in the problem and need to get over it and work together to fix it.

it's such a blame game that no wonder nothing ever actually gets DONE. no one is action prone at all. it's probably one of the things that i miss the most about the states. many people here just waste the day, sitting around, doing nothing. i could never ever do that. even if i'm relaxing, i'm reading or chatting or still doing something. i just don't understand how people can sit and do nothing. and i've been much, much better at accepting the huge amounts of free time i have around here (i think i've read every book in english in long beach that's not religious).

how do you convince people to accept responsibility? how do you make people do something to fix the problem, rather than just shrug it off?

[warning: the following paragraph may be considered offensive. i do not mean to offend anyone though or disrespect anyone's religion.] i have a theory. even though i myself don't really belong to a "religion", i do really respect people of faith. i am amazed and in awe of the strength that people draw from their faith; that sort of connection to a god is something i don't feel, but i do respect it in other people. however, i think ... that a lot of the problems here can be traced back to the church. i won't go into the problem of overpopulation except to say that birth control and condoms would really be a good idea. but here, there is a very strong belief in "god's will" and that "god will provide". this i have no problem with except that i think it is taken so literally here that people don't actually act to solve their own problems because they believe that god will help them through it in the end. this is concerning to me. i just finished e.o. wilson's "creation" (fabulous. go read it) and he says in it (in regards to the human caused mass extinctions occurring throughout the world) "we will have done it all on our own, and conscious of what was happening. god's will is not to blame ... humanity must make a decision, and make it right now: conserve earth's natural heritage, or let future generations adjust to a biologically impoverished world. there is no way to weasel out of this choice." i want to put that quote on a sign, photocopy it, and hang it all over the philippines. my goodness, he just hits the nail right on the head.

the problem with the marine situation (well, the environment situation) is that ... i think it's too late. they needed to do something yesterday, to make drastic changes yesterday, and they are still resistant to accepting that it's a problem. rey (the SIKAT guy i was working with in romblon) works with communities on this marine stuff and he said, "i just can't understand why all the fish are gone from this fishing spot" ?!?!?!?!??!!! this is the guy who is supposed to be an expert, who is supposed to be working to fix it. and he doesn't get it either. i look at my plate every meal, every day, and just want the fish to come back alive and put it back into the water so that it can grow big enough to reproduce, because they are just too small. scott says i'm not a pessimist, that i'm a realist, but i hate to feel like it's such a hopeless situation. oh i wish i felt like i had actually done something while i was here to really fix it, to really help.

speaking of, i leave here in three weeks. yes, three weeks. can anyone believe it? i can't. i feel ... strange about it. i want to go home and am so looking forward to going to south america and seeing brad again, but ... it's like ever since i got here i have been aching to go home and now that it's almost here it just feels unreal. there is so much i thought i'd be able to do that i wasn't able to. i feel disappointed in myself; like i could have done more and i didn't. i don't know really how i could have done more, but ... six months and i feel like i have nothing to show for it.

but my mom is coming out here in two weeks. yes yes, she really is. she has a week off in february and flights were a decent price and she has some things she'd like to donate to the schools here and so she's coming out here. oh my gosh i just can't even believe it. i'm so, so excited for her to come here. it's ... unreal.

the most recent volunteers are adam, becca, and david. adam and becca are my age and from australia (again!) and teaching in cabolutan. and then david is from the states, an environmental volunteer, and deaf and mute. that has certainly been a challenge, but i'm really enjoying working with him. he's up for absolutely everything and ... i just really admire that he's coming out here and putting himself out like that. it's certainly quite brave. i wish it were easier to talk to him (writing everything out takes so long), because i'd love to hear what he thinks about the place. how wonderful to be deaf here! no freakin' roosters waking you up at 3:30 am and then going on and on all day (i hate roosters); no barking dogs; no constant "what's your name?", "where are you going". i think scott and i wear him out, but hopefully he's enjoying himself!