i really resent the way that men treat me. it is not that they are cruel or obviously discriminatory, but there are a lot of little things in the way they behave that make me uncomfortable and angry. i have mentioned the constant questions regarding my marital status – that is still a constant. even if i have already told them, i am asked, repeatedly. and there is the way that they look at me – both men i know and ones i do not. it is not staring like the children; it is leering and makes me lower my head and rush by. it is especially bad when i am riding my bike on the way to the sanctuary or to san agustin – they all gather on the side of the road and watch me pass by. and then there are the subtle hints that they think i am incapable and weak. the surprise in their voices when i tell them i go for walks in the morning (gasp) alone and go to the sanctuary (gasp) alone and even go swimming (big gasp) alone. because, heaven forbid, a woman do anything alone. i get vibes of distrust from the men at the department of agriculture when i ask questions; they seem to try to steer the conversation away from anything related to my job here. thank goodness for ruby, who is the new head of the department, and a female – she has been such a help to me.
in the states, i would tell these guys to bugger off and leave me alone (i might use stronger language than that). but i cannot do that here – it would cause more problems than it is worth. i try to laugh it off and joke, but ... it is harder than i can describe. i have gained newfound respect for the women here and for women throughout the world and history who have fought against discrimination and this feeling of belittlement. i am so thankful for the women here. they are so strong.
there are ads on the television for these "whitening creams" that truly disgust me. i asked one of the girls here why women want to be whiter, and she looked at my skin (even though it's quite dark now), and said, "because men want women with lighter skin." it almost makes me laugh at the irony; in the states, women pay hundreds of dollars on tanning salons and instant spray tans to be darker and in the philippines, women pay to become whiter.
on a sort-of related note, i have TONS of mosquito bites on my legs. seriously, i put bug spray on and it deters them for a grand total of thirty second. and even though i know i shouldn't scratch them, it is driving me crazy and so i end up scratching them until they bleed and so my legs are covered in these half bleeding bites most of the time. wilma looked at them one day and said, "oh no more wow-legs" and i laughed and said, "good, maybe the men will stop staring" and she just laughed and laughed. too bad it's not true.
i am writing all of this not because i want to complain, but because it is struggle for me and one that i can feel begin to consume me. i do not know how to handle it well or prevent myself from bursting one of these days and start screaming. i am thankful the two new volunteers are male. perhaps it will be easier with them around.
speaking of, the two new volunteers, jeremy and ben, are awesome. they arrived this past tuesday (23 october) and are both staying for six weeks, which leaves them here until the end of november. they're both from new zealand, and really great guys. jeremy is 24 and ben is 19. i met them on my way back from the sanctuary on tuesday when they were out walking and i passed them on my bike. funny, i look up and see two white guys walking down the road and they stand out so much :) both tall and very pale – so different from everyone here. oh my gosh i really have no words for how thankful i am for them. and to speak english with people who are also native speakers feels so good. it feels amazing to be able to be honest and blunt and ... yes i am just so happy they are here. both of them seem really enthusiastic about getting stuff DONE and we are going to try to put together a schedule and a few different things and i could just blab on and on about what a relief it is to have them here, but i'll try to control my excitement. it is so nice to speak to them and throw around ideas and thoughts about culture differences and how to deal with / overcome it. i feel like these past two months have really been preparing for them to come, because now that we are three, we'll be able to get a lot of things done. if nothing else, i am learning here that working alone is not always the best, or even possible. formerly i would have said that i always prefer to work alone, but ... it is too much here. i need and crave company.
that's an interesting situation here. i am very rarely alone. everyone i go i am stared at and if i stop anywhere, a crowd of kids gather around me, reading over my shoulder. even in my room, i cannot block out any of the noise of the house. so i am never truly alone, in the quiet. but. even though i am never alone, i have been lonely. not all the time – i have good conversations with cecile and wilma and have enjoyed hanging out with totz some evenings. but, because of the language gap and culture differences, it is ... not the same. i cannot express my thoughts or feelings here. one, they would not understand my words, and two, it is just not culturally acceptable. people are friendly, but it is difficult to be friends.
what a difference there is between developed, western cultures/countries and here. it is such a relief to be able to speak honestly with these kiwis.
and oh my goodness, to be able to talk about new zealand. we got talking about fish and chips yesterday and it just made me think of when brad and i stopped at a stand when he was here and ordered waaaaay more than we should have, and all the tramping trips, and elephant fish, and ... i miss new zealand so much.
anyways, apart from that not too much to report. one of the guys here did catch three pufferfish one day, which was cool. they're so crazy looking!
so yes, i am just ... really looking forward to these next six weeks with jeremy and ben. i feel as if my two months here thus far have been in preparation for them to come – and now we can actually get things done!
they leave at the end of november and then brad comes the second week of december for christmas and i will finally get to do some traveling and it will be such a wonderful christmas present to have him here. i am ... heartbroken to not be going home and to the cabin for christmas and to see my family, but, it was just too expensive to fly home and then back again. i will just celebrate christmas in march when i return :)
1 comment:
sigh, no christmas with mi hermana till march. i didn't know brad was going to be there, at least you'll be with him!
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