i picked the thorny path myself

senior year thus far has been an odd mixture. the stack of papers i have read (and still need to read a few of them) for my thesis has grown so large that they are now stored in a sam adams octoberfest box in an (rather lame) attempt to be organised. more than anything, i feel like this experience of writing a thesis has been a lesson in how to not do research.

[sidenote: my thesis is on social and basking behaviours in diamondback terrapins, that is, a threatened turtle species here in mass. it really means that for now all i can write is methodology and a literature review since experiments won't be done until the last week in march. and then the real fun (a.k.a. stress) truly begins.]

but it began this summer with me reading papers. on temperature dependent sex determination in the terrapins, which ended up not being at all relevant to what i'm actually writing about (interesting nonetheless). and then when the time came to actually read papers i would be using, i foolishly did just that. and only that. read them. no notes, no organisation, only a few highlighted notes.

so when the writing began .... well let's just say i'm still in the process of rereading papers and taking notes on them.

at our honors thesis meetings, the director talks about how this is a learning process. how the process is so much more important that the final result. and while i still want to put out the best thesis i can in may, i agree. more than anything, i feel as if i have learned about real research and real scientific writing.

but. my intent here isn't to bore you with thoughts about my thesis. really i am here to talk about applying for jobs. real jobs.

because applying for a real job is nothing at all like applying for a summer job, temporary job, job when you're in high school, or an internship. i've been scouring various websites looking for some sort of sciencey-marine conservation-ish-related job for about six months now. and, like the thesis process, it has been a lesson in how to become organised because honestly, a list of hundreds of bookmarked websites really isn't that useful.

it is amazing how completely unqualified i feel. at first, everything seemed to be asking for ph.d's or at the very very least a master's with 3-5 years of experience. or internships for undergrads who will be returning to school in the fall. so, so many postdocs. and so very little for a newly acquired bachelor's degree. as my dad can attest, i have been bombarding him with hundreds of copies and versions of my resume turned cv turned maybe back to resume and then back to cv again. i feel much too young to have a cv, but then again, i have published work and presented research, so that's cv-esque. a sad little one page cv, but nonetheless - it is somewhere in that inbetween. he also gets versions (and versions and versions and versions) of cover letters. usually with an e-mail subject line along the lines of "i promise this is the last question".

and when i look at the final product - the cv and the cover letter, the two pages to be sent off - i feel as if it does not come close to embracing everything which i feel like i have learned and become and am.

so here i am, applying for jobs where i oh-so-barely meet the minimum requirements and hoping that my passion and excitement about these topics gets conveyed through the formalities of a cover letter and cv. because i am willing to try anything, do anything. it's just that the chance may be hard in coming.

and slowly, friends here are discovering what they will be doing and where they will be next year. i am so excited for so many of them - doing amazing things and getting accepted into grad schools. then, when i look at the next few years of my life, i feel as if i am looking at a blank book.

how exciting. (and terrifying).

the "plan" for now is california for the summer to be near my family and greatgrandmother. and then ... well so far i've looked at french polynesia, the seychelles, mozambique, south africa, belize, hawaii, costa rica, new zealand, australia, indonesia, and thailand.