honesty and change

[disclaimer: i have decided to be more honest. not that i haven't been honest in here, but that often i sort-of censor thoughts and feelings.]

i really resent the way that men treat me. it is not that they are cruel or obviously discriminatory, but there are a lot of little things in the way they behave that make me uncomfortable and angry. i have mentioned the constant questions regarding my marital status – that is still a constant. even if i have already told them, i am asked, repeatedly. and there is the way that they look at me – both men i know and ones i do not. it is not staring like the children; it is leering and makes me lower my head and rush by. it is especially bad when i am riding my bike on the way to the sanctuary or to san agustin – they all gather on the side of the road and watch me pass by. and then there are the subtle hints that they think i am incapable and weak. the surprise in their voices when i tell them i go for walks in the morning (gasp) alone and go to the sanctuary (gasp) alone and even go swimming (big gasp) alone. because, heaven forbid, a woman do anything alone. i get vibes of distrust from the men at the department of agriculture when i ask questions; they seem to try to steer the conversation away from anything related to my job here. thank goodness for ruby, who is the new head of the department, and a female – she has been such a help to me.

in the states, i would tell these guys to bugger off and leave me alone (i might use stronger language than that). but i cannot do that here – it would cause more problems than it is worth. i try to laugh it off and joke, but ... it is harder than i can describe. i have gained newfound respect for the women here and for women throughout the world and history who have fought against discrimination and this feeling of belittlement. i am so thankful for the women here. they are so strong.

there are ads on the television for these "whitening creams" that truly disgust me. i asked one of the girls here why women want to be whiter, and she looked at my skin (even though it's quite dark now), and said, "because men want women with lighter skin." it almost makes me laugh at the irony; in the states, women pay hundreds of dollars on tanning salons and instant spray tans to be darker and in the philippines, women pay to become whiter.

on a sort-of related note, i have TONS of mosquito bites on my legs. seriously, i put bug spray on and it deters them for a grand total of thirty second. and even though i know i shouldn't scratch them, it is driving me crazy and so i end up scratching them until they bleed and so my legs are covered in these half bleeding bites most of the time. wilma looked at them one day and said, "oh no more wow-legs" and i laughed and said, "good, maybe the men will stop staring" and she just laughed and laughed. too bad it's not true.

i am writing all of this not because i want to complain, but because it is struggle for me and one that i can feel begin to consume me. i do not know how to handle it well or prevent myself from bursting one of these days and start screaming. i am thankful the two new volunteers are male. perhaps it will be easier with them around.

speaking of, the two new volunteers, jeremy and ben, are awesome. they arrived this past tuesday (23 october) and are both staying for six weeks, which leaves them here until the end of november. they're both from new zealand, and really great guys. jeremy is 24 and ben is 19. i met them on my way back from the sanctuary on tuesday when they were out walking and i passed them on my bike. funny, i look up and see two white guys walking down the road and they stand out so much :) both tall and very pale – so different from everyone here. oh my gosh i really have no words for how thankful i am for them. and to speak english with people who are also native speakers feels so good. it feels amazing to be able to be honest and blunt and ... yes i am just so happy they are here. both of them seem really enthusiastic about getting stuff DONE and we are going to try to put together a schedule and a few different things and i could just blab on and on about what a relief it is to have them here, but i'll try to control my excitement. it is so nice to speak to them and throw around ideas and thoughts about culture differences and how to deal with / overcome it. i feel like these past two months have really been preparing for them to come, because now that we are three, we'll be able to get a lot of things done. if nothing else, i am learning here that working alone is not always the best, or even possible. formerly i would have said that i always prefer to work alone, but ... it is too much here. i need and crave company.

that's an interesting situation here. i am very rarely alone. everyone i go i am stared at and if i stop anywhere, a crowd of kids gather around me, reading over my shoulder. even in my room, i cannot block out any of the noise of the house. so i am never truly alone, in the quiet. but. even though i am never alone, i have been lonely. not all the time – i have good conversations with cecile and wilma and have enjoyed hanging out with totz some evenings. but, because of the language gap and culture differences, it is ... not the same. i cannot express my thoughts or feelings here. one, they would not understand my words, and two, it is just not culturally acceptable. people are friendly, but it is difficult to be friends.

what a difference there is between developed, western cultures/countries and here. it is such a relief to be able to speak honestly with these kiwis.

and oh my goodness, to be able to talk about new zealand. we got talking about fish and chips yesterday and it just made me think of when brad and i stopped at a stand when he was here and ordered waaaaay more than we should have, and all the tramping trips, and elephant fish, and ... i miss new zealand so much.

anyways, apart from that not too much to report. one of the guys here did catch three pufferfish one day, which was cool. they're so crazy looking!





so yes, i am just ... really looking forward to these next six weeks with jeremy and ben. i feel as if my two months here thus far have been in preparation for them to come – and now we can actually get things done!

they leave at the end of november and then brad comes the second week of december for christmas and i will finally get to do some traveling and it will be such a wonderful christmas present to have him here. i am ... heartbroken to not be going home and to the cabin for christmas and to see my family, but, it was just too expensive to fly home and then back again. i will just celebrate christmas in march when i return :)

mostly pictures

already back in romblon! rhey won't be here for the last two weeks of october, so this is my last chance to come and volunteer with SIKAT this month – so i figured i better come and take advantage of the free accommodation and internet while it lasts :) and to help SIKAT out too, of course.

giant clam transplantation last week was fun! it's a pretty easy process: literally you go down, find the clam, pick it up, put it in a crate, and take it to the surface. then, we make measurements of length and height, identify the species. on the next dive, take it into the sanctuary, place it on the ground, and leave it there.







on our way out to the second dive, these dogs from the barangay started following our boat and they swam so so far with us! i was terrified they were going to drown, but the other boat turned around and went to save them.





we also placed a marble cross underwater where the clams were at the sanctuary. this is something i don't really understand, but the filipinos are a very, very religious (catholic) people, so i guess they want that known underwater too? religion is a subject i try to avoid while i'm here ... it would really not go over well for me to tell someone i don't think i believe in god – or that the god i believe in isn't at all conventional and doesn't follow any religion. i've thought about telling people that i believe in love, however they want to take that, but have been too scared so far :)





and on the first dive we saw this really cool frogfish (what we americans call anglers"):





there isn't too much to report from long beach. i had a good weekend – got a lot of little things done that i needed to, etc etc. ate wilma's birthday was on saturday, so we threw her a party – and no filipino party is complete without heaps of food (including this one):





i also had a bit of a diving adventure on the island off my house that i won't write about here. if you want to know details shoot me an e-mail – it's just not something i want to write for the general public.

i've also finally taken some pictures of my house, and although they don't capture it (pictures never do), i thought i'd post them anyways. so, welcome to the home of wilma motin and cecile, kenneth, and genevieve juantas:



[the house. store out front]


[bathroom. yup thats it]


[kitchen]


[living room]


[my room]


[long beach street and the house from the other direction]


and for good measure, here's a picture looking over the fish sanctuary and carmen bay:

keep the car running

i am back in romblon for a couple of days, unexpectedly, to help rey and SIKAT do some giant clam transplantations. giant clams are protected worldwide; in order to protect them in romblon, SIKAT moves any clams found outside of marine protected areas into marine protected areas. we'll be doing that today, so i'm pretty excited! should be fun, although i doubt i'll be much help since they're likely to be ridiculously heavy. maybe i will just be the official photographer or something. plus, i'll take any chance to go diving.

i've had a good past week in long beach. the weather has been a bit iffy, but i've still managed to get a good bit done, which ... feels very nice and is a welcome change.

the mangrove planting area near long beach is a few kilometers from my house. it is a bit of a pain, because the seedlings are here in long beach and quite heavy and kind-of awkward to carry along with a meter long crowbar (to dig with – since the flat where we plant is so rocky). anyways, the few times that i've planted, everyone from the nearby houses has come out and stood there and watched me plant them (maybe i will get used to the staring eventually?). this week when i arrived, i was sitting on a rock having some water when these three boys came and stared at me (as per usual) and then one of them pointed at the seedlings and says, "bakhaw" (which is both tagalog for mangrove and also incidentally the name of the species i'm planting). and i say, "oo" (yes). and they continue to stare at me, so i get up and start digging the hole and plant one of them. when i finish the second hole, one of the kids runs up holding one of the saplings and plants it. the rest then followed suit, and they helped me plant all of the seedlings i had. i speak very little tagalog and these kids only speak the san agustin-visayan dialect (don't even get me started on language difficulties around here) and so there was no communication going on – only smiles. here are these kids who have nothing and who are already loosing teeth permanently because people do not brush their teeth here and are old enough to be in school but are not attending, probably so they can help their families work, but they were helping me plant mangroves. it was ... so cool and so amazing. i have no words for it. but it made this whole month of struggles worth it.



[planting from afar]




also this week, i feel like i've started to actually ... be included and become a part of life here in long beach. my host family spoils me absolutely rotten and i've been having a lot of trouble getting them to help me with anything (seriously, they do my laundry, they clean my room when i am away, they are constantly giving my snacks, they refuse to let me do the dishes), and it's been hard to tell them that i want to help, that i like to help. so i started jumping up immediately after breakfast, gathering all the dishes, and starting to clean them despite their protests. and there was initially a lot of pointing and no's and so on, but now they are letting me. and it is funny that something so small makes me feel like i am becoming part of the family, not just a guest who sleeps and eats here. one night, cecile was in the kitchen after dinner making something, so i went in and asked if i could help and she was making spring rolls, so she showed me how to roll them and we sat there for a while, working on them. lastly, wilma's son, who is my age (name is francis, but everyone calls him totz – some nicknames here are very strange. i'm just glad i've gotten them to stop calling me "al" and now they're calling me "lex" and "alex" which are much, much better. but i digress), has been here for a few weeks and it's been sort-of weird. he has been a bit stand-offish (this may be because the first morning he was here, he started blasting music at 5:00 am and i came out of my room, glared at him, not knowing who he was, and then sort-of-on-purpose slammed my door. whoops ... ), but this week invited me to sit and have some drinks after dinner. that's something all the men here do – meet in the rest houses (which everyone has – they're little palm huts) and drink. and even though they are usually drinking brandy (which i don't really care for) and are drinking a lot (which i also don't really care for), it's fun to sit out there and mix a tiny bit of brandy into a big cup of juice and listen to them joke and laugh along with them about jokes i normally don't understand. it feels like i have friends, and i like that.

there were also piglets born here almost two weeks ago now. they are adorable.





and in the latest bike escapade, the wire which controls the gears broke – this time en route to san agustin and in a high gear which made the rest of the ride (at least i could still ride it, i suppose) ridiculously difficult. the guys at the bike shop didn't have wire (how does one run out of wire?) so i left it in san agustin over the weekend and then they delivered it to long beach, which was nice of them. ay that bike. i am sort of terrified to ride the thing. totz figured out what the problem was though – the wire was actually rubbing up next to the gears as there was nothing keeping it from sliding around, so, in exchange for a gallon of tuba (that's coconut wine. tastes like syrup mixed with rancid juice. it costs something like 25 pesos/gallon.), he welded something to prevent it from happening in the future.



[rice fields on the bike ride to san agustin]


on the work front, things are going quite well. i feel like i've made some really progress with the department of agriculture in san agustin: starting to plan a few things involving the community, meetings with fisherfolk, and working on preparing an updated coastal resource management plan. i've also started doing a few general observations in the sanctuary to get a good idea of what's happening there, scientifically speaking. all small little things, but at least it feels like progress.

i do apologize for how jumpy this entry is; it is just that it is hard to sum up over a week's worth of time and tell all the little things going on here on the other side of the world.



[sunset in long beach]